MERRY CHRISTMAS

A brainwave! I have hit on a plan that will at the same time show my serious credentials as Prime Minister in waiting and my ability to tackle the financial crisis. I have decided to ban all Foreign Office Christmas parties!!! I will then get that scruffy individual in News Department to leak this hardnosed decision to the press, and hey presto, I will be man of the hour, if not the era. I expect all the toadies in my Private Office will be sniffy, as December is the time they traditionally range out and drink other people's booze. But I am resolute. The Lying Scotsman will be so jealous when he hears that I have once again upstaged him.
Pass the Advocaat!!

CAREER CHANGE

When I was younger (so much younger than today) I wanted to be a bus conductor. I have changed my mind. I was browsing through the very interesting articles in some back copies of Playboy magazine, when I came across this photo. I now want to be a tattoo artist.

Katie Price is such an intellectual heavyweight and her books are a great holiday read. I have recommended them to all the toadies in my Private Office, though they simply snigger and look embarrassed.

PRESIDENT B LIAR

Oh no! He's back. The papers are saying that the snake Bliar is to be the next President of Europe. I will have to ask one of the minions in King Charles Street exactly what this means, but I am sure no good can come of it. He will doubtless find countless reasons to visit London and we will have to fawn and toady to him. The Lying Scotsman won't like it one bit. That German woman with the proud bosum, Angela, doesn't like Bliar either. But silly little Sarkozy seems to be encouraging him, for reasons no one can explain. Just Frog mischief I guess. As usual, it's all one big Euro-mess. Could Bliar possibly become Pope as well, one wonders?

THE LYING SCOTSMAN

Well, thank god it is over. Another party conference, another ghastly experience. When I saw myself on TV trying to smile while The Lying Scotsman was churning out the usual garbage, I was nearly sick.

And what on earth was that business with his wife all about? So awful, so American. Don't get me wrong,Sarah is a real sweetie and I wouldn't mind rummaging around in her red box, but it is a typically low trick from the Lying Scotsman to trot her out before the public. If he really wanted to get some media attention she should have shown a bit more flesh, like the photo above. That way we wouldn't have lost the support of The Sun.

He is desperate, and it shows. He knows he is not up to the job, but can't bear to have someone truly talented, like me, do it for him. It is only a matter of time until he will once again be tossing cabers back at the croft, or whatever the jocks do for fun during the 11 months winter they have to endure.