TODAY PROGRAMME

I hate John Humphries. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I really hate John Humphries. I went on his "flagship" radio programme with the perfectly reasonable objective of presenting myself as a future Prime Minister (ie not at all like the Prime Ditherer we have now).

All was going swimmingly. I had spent the previous evening reading back copies of the Economist (though was rather distracted by my wife, Louise, scraping away in the background on her ghastly fiddle) and was thoroughly prepared for the usual rough and tumble of political debate. Being such a brilliant thinker, I can hold my own in any forum.

But then the worm Humphries came out with the killer question. If the Prime Ditherer's economic recovery plan was so fucking brilliant (I paraphrase) why was the pound falling off the map? Doh, I should have thought it was fucking obvious. But I couldn't come out with the real reason on national radio. Of course the plan is crap. It was dreamt up by the one eyed wanker and his seedy Scottish glove puppet in the Treasury.

How I wanted to spill the beans. But it is not the time. I stonewalled cleverly by saying I was not going to enter into a running commentary on the pound. Humphries wasn't asking me to, of course, and was momentarily thrown by my brilliant gambit. But the poisonous Welsh streak in him came to the fore and he kept going back to the jugular. I thought of putting the phone down, or feigning heart attack, but in the end I saw it through. Humphries 1, Millerband 0, I fear.

What a horrible experience. I thought we always had that unpleasant jock, John Reid, to the handle the Today programme, but I now understand he is no longer in government. We always used to wheel him out to do the difficult stuff on Iraq. Perhaps he could do the snow job on the economy. I'll mention it in Cabinet. Meanwhile, if the Today programme asks for another interview I shall tell them to phone my brother Glen, or the Prime Ditherer himself. He created this mess, so let him defend his lunatic policies!! Save the world indeed!